Hi guys ..back to Cochin  after a 15 days timeout for family. Had a great time with traveling all the time .Now I am in a Super Homesick state :(

Its 15 min past 12 and i am not able to sleep. 

I have decided to be regular in the blog.

 Just a kind of a day to remind me again of human limitations, sometimes our genuine inability to judge right from wrong and unpredictability of time....Our inability to understand how nature works and how People change ..How we are just Helpless!

I am heart broken

PS.Everybody need sometime..

It happens ..its called non spontaneous reaction

What happens when what you don’t expect Happens...Good, bad ,ugly,painful,anything.  Like for example  you never decide to fall in love ..do you???  but still you fall for someone..You make promises ,You make love, you take commitments and at some point of time you fail. Again something  what you did not expect to happen ..But it happens ...Its destiny, fate..blah blah bullshit! 

(oKay.. I am not starting that karma-destiny-fate shit again)

What the heck is wrong with me I make everything sound so dull boring and brown in colour ...like you are watching the van hellsing or harry potter. Now must be wondering why the hell this post is even publicised. ...Well In short i just happen to meet one of my 13 yr old friend accidently. I met him last when super cyclone came in Orissa in 1999 . (did i just  sounds like some 75 year old granyy ..)

Its happy and weird at the same time...when you are dressed in your shabbiest outfit ever , and you have decided to experiment with worst smelling hair oil  today ,you cant find your deodorant in the heap of your dirty clothes..n you are out in your bathroom slippers ...never but just today!

On the top of it ....(check out this scene..TOTAL FILMY)  I was just finishing my fresh mint lime he bumps the question

D: “Are you  J***i”  ?   :)

Me:.(with a sick  face :( )  YESS

D:we are school friends ...remember :)

Me:NO... (Go-away  expression ..slipping lime in peace !)

D: I am D..your classmate n neighbour  ...same school Remember.. :)

Me : ..(finally recognised ) All happy  n exicted suddenly . :D 

DROPPED THE GLASS (kraaaaaak booooooooom slurrrrrrrrrrrrr zzzzzzzzzzzz)

Yes thats Wat I do when I do not expect things to happen and then they happen...........I am a non-spontaneous human being and I give non spontaneous reaction ! Sigh!

Fate

I have always thought a lot about destiny/ fate/ karma....
...
Are we born with a particular life-course charted out and pre-planned for us?
That no matter what decisions we make...no matter what paths we choose... we finally end up doing the same things, meeting the same people and experiencing everything else we would have, had we taken another route??
Had I chosen another school, university, profession or company would I have had a different life or through some twist of fate... through some other means it would have been a mirror image of my current life???
...
Or do we start out with a clean slate? Solely responsible for however we may turn out...
Living our life as a result of the decisions we make....
That there is a possibility of many alternative lives...some better... some worse...
Its quite a scary thought that there is no one else to blame but ourselves for whatever happens...
...
Sometimes I wish I could live my life over and over again.... making different decisions everytime just to see how I would turn out in the end... Pure curiosity, of course!
....
Or what if there was a machine created which showed us the future effects of all our decisions... we could have perfect lives... erase all mistakes before they happened....
But then that would mean that Life would lose its element of surprise....
Afterall, its no fun to read a book when you already know its end, is it?

Core leave 3rd March-21st March

Finally I have become lucky enough to go home and spend some time with my people.
If I need to be very specific ..I would say its been 9 months and more since I saw my family and I further filter it down to something called a quality time , its been more than 8 years since i ever spend some good time with my bother and more than 3 years with mom-dad. Guess when you learn how to earn money ..you need to compromise on lot more.

More of vizag dairies and Calcutta dairies coming up .Gonna spend some real quality time with family .Gonna explore vizag and Calcutta .


Cheers to my home coming ! Cheers to my core leave ~

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Yes..I am the problem

I have been doing this introspection sort of thing from past few days and one thing I have realized for a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over billions and billions of  people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English (I am not a great writer nor a great speaker ...)by the way...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.I lost my friends. I never made a attempt to catch up with them.Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby and not my types , maybe it was because I was hyper and a little care free and I am too careless about relationships of that degree. 


I have had two jobs and I had problems with both my jobs and people around me -- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little toddler in my first job who thought I was better than the job.I think I am very Talented  (A degree from a university doesn't mean a damn if you have no job skills and most importantly interpersonal skills)...
My Relationship with my guy dint work not because he was jerk .. probably  I was being a total bitch there and he is better off without me :) God  bless!!


My bad ..I just dont think that..... i could be a problem to people!


No point  but ...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps....

Caution: This one goes out for the people who ever cared a shit about me."I am sorry for breaching the privacy of the people whom I have named if any  and my deepest apologies to people whom I know I have hurt knowingly.


More of  "Why do I always fall for men I can't have or I do not want to have ?


Age-14
Exhibit 1: Crush # ... Committed,Had a solid amour during school days ,he dated the most beautiful gal in my school Ms.M....y (She married someone else though) ,I never spoke to him and somehow he knows about me now.Nice Bengali chap , a doctor now, works in Delhi ...that's about it.... I know nothing about him.


Age-17
Exhibit 2: Friend# Nerd, bookworm,Excellent in studies, well versed and Successful compared to all friends,Zero interest in sex or love,liked a lotta gals but girlfriends he never had in life ....he really is a good friend.I know he still likes me but we cant be together because I like him but I don't want him. I miss him !


Age-21
Exhibit 3:College Senior # Really hot sexy dude who was in a long term relationship with someone else...mental/emotional connection....but just broke with his gal for me ....initially he never spoke to me ...probably because he feared I will mess up his "safe" situation.GREAT but the same dude finds me hotter and takes up a challenge to PATAO me and I kinda started liking him(he was hot n cute ---resembles Hrithik Roshan ..no kidding ) and then one fine day I leave him. Naaaah not my types ...

Age-22 

Exhibit 4 : ARK # My first boyfriend. I love him! Typical south Indian guy ..Telugu chap :) The best boyfriend a girl could ever have ,a Darling , a Sweetheart , He truly loved me.I was the first girl in his life .A big time orthodox and his family hated me cause I was a northi gal with red hair and ultra dash dressing sense  blah blah .........and We were too different to be together .we broke up badly.

Age-24

Exhibit 4: Colleague# I am dating this guy ..yes he is good .I guess he could the one with whom I would love to spend my life with.But I don't know about him if he feels the same way.Says "love never convinced him"...Hates commitments .

He speaks well,very eloquent ..but Cant talk to me continuously  without fail for more than 5 mins .Irony! Loves watching movies with me but hate showing me off to public!! Anyways I am not very positive about him but I like him ...Hope it works (Fingers crossed)

Do I seek out situations in which I am doomed to fail??? Or maybe I just like a challenge???? I hope something will work out eventually.... 

What kills me !

Yes I mean this .This makes me sad. He has been doing the usual "avoiding" me for the most part, but with a little chit chat here and there. He has had opportunities to invite me places, spend time with me...blah blah blah...but he hasn't.Now I am not gonna  take that bullshit under the caption "I am not that roaming types"

What ever now ..I am kinda pissed and  I am temporarily writing about my lack of love and care.I feel I am in love but nothing is going on... I haven't really got much more than a "hello" when he pops up into the office and then he disappears.I spoke to my friend today who apparently cares for me a lot and he explained to me that if  this guy had any interest in me he would make an effort to spend time with me. He has not... But I am okay ...I don wanna  listen to what my stupid friends say.Moreover,this thought crossed my mind which seems to make me  think that he is just focusing on moving and does not want to hurt me...whatever...either ways I will have to deal....

FUCK!!!!! He is so my type... ;(...He is funny, crass, confident, athletic...a bit of a bad boy, No manners but really a good guy...and he has broad shoulders and sexy sleepy eyes ,cute nose ,pink lips ..anda cool gooteeeee.... :) which makes him soooo hot WOW!(cLoUd NuMbEr 9)

Ps: soon after I posted this Emo shit , he sends me a sms 

I Love you :) you make me happy deep inside !!(Deep shit I know )

Now this is what kills me !


So this leaves me in an interesting position !! The guy who convinced me to fall in love cannot stay with me anymore..the guy I Crushed was a fag(I mean the guy I had crush on) and finally I love this jerk and he is a JERK!!!


 More of my love blogs coming up , guess I am geared up to write more  about it !

Awesomeness

Why do I always fall for things I can't have?

This time it is this bike owner .............

But I Cant drive !

Saturday Rants -II

What you see down there in the pics is a place ...where Nature was simply at its best this early morning .
Last night I was here ..yeah RELAXING here..with nothing in my mind .Just RELAXING ! 
A place far from the city crowd and honking traffic and of-course people .

Cochin House 

Its been 3 good years in Cochin, Kerala and I do not remember going to anybodies house here Or if at all I went none of the experience where good enough to get a rack in my memory slot.It has actually been a sort of enlightening experience. I have developed  greater appreciation for my loved ones of late , even though they piss me off sometimes. Also, I am reminded (by myself), that I am not perfect, and perhaps I under-react to various situations and people...

Something has changed in me as of late. I have let go of certain expectations of myself, and also of other people. I think I will be OK. . I'm not sure what brought about this change exactly, but something changed. Have I hit a rock bottom? Who knows...something has chilled a bit within my psyche though.  I was totally  relaxed here :)

I was here for a very small time but this place would definitely be one of my favorite  place in Cochin after "side walk cafe". Talking about "side walk cafe " ...............I would love to spend my evening everyday here in this small.. rectangular tube shaped restaurant with just one waiter serving every-time I come here! Even though this place is in the heart of the city ..still this small place has a feel of a cozy room .

Side walk Cafe

Most of my FB profile pics would be from here and the best part is the menu (take a look---->). Everything is so cheap  and they take Sodexo .which makes this the best place in Cochin :) 

And  now there are two things 


1) Things that you want in life
2)Things that you do not want in life

What I want now is to be in one of these two places with YOU (yes its u ) and want I don't want now is to sit in my flat alone and blog! Hence the Saturday gone with reminence of a good Friday Evening :)Thanks for the time Again !


PS:Feel good factor for the day :
1. My phone 
2.Dubai 
2.My Boss

Cross Roads

He was there, at the cross roads, yet again, this time more unsure of what to do. He stands still and thinks, about moral obligations to keep people happy, personal happiness, proving one's point, winning an argument. Very indecisive, he is 'still' and thinking......and I AM WAITING ON THE OTHER END!

Ps :You its for u ..i f u ever read this :) 

THE WORD "FALL"

So how you understand the word fall. You fall down and break a leg? you fall in love or you fall out of good will of others? or as market fall(s) water falls a fruit fall or simply a free fall. Word fall has lot of metaphoric connotations suggesting primarily 'gravitational activity' and can be interpreted in multiple ways. 




N gal you fall for a guy ! 

Thought of the day :I am 25 yrs old !! Haven't done anything great in life.

PS. Of course definition of "GREAT" differsssssssssss person to person !