Yes..I am the problem

I have been doing this introspection sort of thing from past few days and one thing I have realized for a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over billions and billions of  people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English (I am not a great writer nor a great speaker ...)by the way...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.I lost my friends. I never made a attempt to catch up with them.Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby and not my types , maybe it was because I was hyper and a little care free and I am too careless about relationships of that degree. 


I have had two jobs and I had problems with both my jobs and people around me -- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little toddler in my first job who thought I was better than the job.I think I am very Talented  (A degree from a university doesn't mean a damn if you have no job skills and most importantly interpersonal skills)...
My Relationship with my guy dint work not because he was jerk .. probably  I was being a total bitch there and he is better off without me :) God  bless!!


My bad ..I just dont think that..... i could be a problem to people!


No point  but ...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps....

Caution: This one goes out for the people who ever cared a shit about me."I am sorry for breaching the privacy of the people whom I have named if any  and my deepest apologies to people whom I know I have hurt knowingly.


More of  "Why do I always fall for men I can't have or I do not want to have ?


Age-14
Exhibit 1: Crush # ... Committed,Had a solid amour during school days ,he dated the most beautiful gal in my school Ms.M....y (She married someone else though) ,I never spoke to him and somehow he knows about me now.Nice Bengali chap , a doctor now, works in Delhi ...that's about it.... I know nothing about him.


Age-17
Exhibit 2: Friend# Nerd, bookworm,Excellent in studies, well versed and Successful compared to all friends,Zero interest in sex or love,liked a lotta gals but girlfriends he never had in life ....he really is a good friend.I know he still likes me but we cant be together because I like him but I don't want him. I miss him !


Age-21
Exhibit 3:College Senior # Really hot sexy dude who was in a long term relationship with someone else...mental/emotional connection....but just broke with his gal for me ....initially he never spoke to me ...probably because he feared I will mess up his "safe" situation.GREAT but the same dude finds me hotter and takes up a challenge to PATAO me and I kinda started liking him(he was hot n cute ---resembles Hrithik Roshan ..no kidding ) and then one fine day I leave him. Naaaah not my types ...

Age-22 

Exhibit 4 : ARK # My first boyfriend. I love him! Typical south Indian guy ..Telugu chap :) The best boyfriend a girl could ever have ,a Darling , a Sweetheart , He truly loved me.I was the first girl in his life .A big time orthodox and his family hated me cause I was a northi gal with red hair and ultra dash dressing sense  blah blah .........and We were too different to be together .we broke up badly.

Age-24

Exhibit 4: Colleague# I am dating this guy ..yes he is good .I guess he could the one with whom I would love to spend my life with.But I don't know about him if he feels the same way.Says "love never convinced him"...Hates commitments .

He speaks well,very eloquent ..but Cant talk to me continuously  without fail for more than 5 mins .Irony! Loves watching movies with me but hate showing me off to public!! Anyways I am not very positive about him but I like him ...Hope it works (Fingers crossed)

Do I seek out situations in which I am doomed to fail??? Or maybe I just like a challenge???? I hope something will work out eventually.... 

What kills me !

Yes I mean this .This makes me sad. He has been doing the usual "avoiding" me for the most part, but with a little chit chat here and there. He has had opportunities to invite me places, spend time with me...blah blah blah...but he hasn't.Now I am not gonna  take that bullshit under the caption "I am not that roaming types"

What ever now ..I am kinda pissed and  I am temporarily writing about my lack of love and care.I feel I am in love but nothing is going on... I haven't really got much more than a "hello" when he pops up into the office and then he disappears.I spoke to my friend today who apparently cares for me a lot and he explained to me that if  this guy had any interest in me he would make an effort to spend time with me. He has not... But I am okay ...I don wanna  listen to what my stupid friends say.Moreover,this thought crossed my mind which seems to make me  think that he is just focusing on moving and does not want to hurt me...whatever...either ways I will have to deal....

FUCK!!!!! He is so my type... ;(...He is funny, crass, confident, athletic...a bit of a bad boy, No manners but really a good guy...and he has broad shoulders and sexy sleepy eyes ,cute nose ,pink lips ..anda cool gooteeeee.... :) which makes him soooo hot WOW!(cLoUd NuMbEr 9)

Ps: soon after I posted this Emo shit , he sends me a sms 

I Love you :) you make me happy deep inside !!(Deep shit I know )

Now this is what kills me !


So this leaves me in an interesting position !! The guy who convinced me to fall in love cannot stay with me anymore..the guy I Crushed was a fag(I mean the guy I had crush on) and finally I love this jerk and he is a JERK!!!


 More of my love blogs coming up , guess I am geared up to write more  about it !

Awesomeness

Why do I always fall for things I can't have?

This time it is this bike owner .............

But I Cant drive !

Saturday Rants -II

What you see down there in the pics is a place ...where Nature was simply at its best this early morning .
Last night I was here ..yeah RELAXING here..with nothing in my mind .Just RELAXING ! 
A place far from the city crowd and honking traffic and of-course people .

Cochin House 

Its been 3 good years in Cochin, Kerala and I do not remember going to anybodies house here Or if at all I went none of the experience where good enough to get a rack in my memory slot.It has actually been a sort of enlightening experience. I have developed  greater appreciation for my loved ones of late , even though they piss me off sometimes. Also, I am reminded (by myself), that I am not perfect, and perhaps I under-react to various situations and people...

Something has changed in me as of late. I have let go of certain expectations of myself, and also of other people. I think I will be OK. . I'm not sure what brought about this change exactly, but something changed. Have I hit a rock bottom? Who knows...something has chilled a bit within my psyche though.  I was totally  relaxed here :)

I was here for a very small time but this place would definitely be one of my favorite  place in Cochin after "side walk cafe". Talking about "side walk cafe " ...............I would love to spend my evening everyday here in this small.. rectangular tube shaped restaurant with just one waiter serving every-time I come here! Even though this place is in the heart of the city ..still this small place has a feel of a cozy room .

Side walk Cafe

Most of my FB profile pics would be from here and the best part is the menu (take a look---->). Everything is so cheap  and they take Sodexo .which makes this the best place in Cochin :) 

And  now there are two things 


1) Things that you want in life
2)Things that you do not want in life

What I want now is to be in one of these two places with YOU (yes its u ) and want I don't want now is to sit in my flat alone and blog! Hence the Saturday gone with reminence of a good Friday Evening :)Thanks for the time Again !


PS:Feel good factor for the day :
1. My phone 
2.Dubai 
2.My Boss